The signs are there, it just has to be coming up on new years once again and to be honest i have never really got the hang of new years anyway. There is always the angst of having someone to kiss at midnight and the making of resolutions that never get close to success. Its not that i aim too high or too low with my resolutions, its just that i seem powerless to achieve them. This year will be no different. I know this for a fact.

For some time now i have been in a relationship of conveniance for want of a better word with Suzi. We were both single and so rather than missing out on some of the things couples do like going out to dinner, we combined ourselves and still got to experience those things together. Sure these relationships don’t come with all the “benefits” but it beats sitting at home on a saturday night alone and as much as I enjoy the company of my friends, sometimes i prefer a quiet dinner for two. Suzi has long been aware too that my feelings for her were that i wanted something more but she always gently turned me down.

I spoke to Suzi today. She wanted to wait to tell me to new years day but situations changed and it ceased to be possible. She has started seeing someone occassionally and they want to make it more serious. I am happy for her, don’t get me wrong but less than happy for myself. She tells me that she has told him about me and that we will still be able to do things together occassionally like dinner and a movie but its not going to be the same. And I refuse to sit back and hope negative things for them, thats just wrong. But in a High Fidelity i can’t help but feel that its just contary to the whole spirt of the relationship of conveniance and one of us actually going into a relationship with someone else is just … wrong.

So please excuse me while i drown in self loathing and pity. My knees are bad at present so relax i won’t be climbing over any railings to jump any time soon.